It's been four years since my senior year of high school. Four years ago, being a senior in college seemed so distant... almost like it would never actually happen. In high school, it's hard to look past what's happening to you in the present and realize that the future is more than just a dream or an idea. It's something that actually happens.
After I graduated, I removed over 100 people from my facebook friend's list. I did not get along with many of my classmates and, at the time, thought that I would never care to know what was going on in their lives ever again. It didn't occur to me that we would all grow up in a short time and that they would change when they went to college in much the same way that I did. Now, I'm about to graduate again and I find myself wondering what everyone else is doing. Are they all set to graduate on time? Are they getting a degree in what they went to college for in the first place? Did anyone drop out and take off, disappearing into the wind? Part of me wonders if seeing the progress my classmates are making would help me feel like I was doing enough. Maybe some of them are as clueless as I am. But I have no way of knowing because I intentionally removed them from my life entirely when I went to college.
Part of the reason that I deleted everyone was because I faced a lot of scrutiny for being gay. I was one of the only openly homosexual students in my high school of over 1,500 students and a bit of an anomaly.
The fact that I, myself, still hadn't really grown to accept my sexuality was another large obstacle thrown in front of me and my lack of experience in the gay community led me to believe that everyone was the enemy. I over-compensated for my lack of community in real life by trying to build relationships with people over the internet which, as it turns out, was a horrible idea as well and eventually caused me to lose even more friends. I was defensive and abrasive and it caused a lot of problems for me throughout my senior year, but looking back, I didn't have nearly as many enemies as I thought I did. Sure, there were a few people who were uncomfortable around me or mean to me, but for the most part people didn't really care that much about what sex I was attracted to. Of course, I took offense to the fact that no one greeted me on the first day of school with fireworks and a great big banner that said "Congratulations on being gay!" and assumed that if they weren't vocal about their acceptance of me, they didn't accept me. It's taken me all this time to realize how wrong I really was.
When I think about my senior year and many of my interactions with others, I'm faced with the overwhelming fact that most people actually were very accepting of me, and they were just passive about it. In fact, I can only think of two people who ever actually spoke out against me and my sexuality and one of them actually apologized shortly after we graduated, saying that she felt bad for being so harsh towards me. A lot of the people who I deleted after graduation and categorized as "enemies" were actually really nice to me at school. I just took myself too seriously and acted hypocritically by judging a lot of my class mates much harder than I even imagined them judging me. I wanted to classify every jock as a gay-basher and every Christian as a hateful bigot, when in reality, there was very little of that going on in my school. I was never once beat-up or threatened for being gay. There was one person who was slightly aggressive towards me, but it never went past verbal conflict and most of the time he just kept it to himself. I was lucky to have had the high school experience that I did when there are kids in high school being threatened on a daily basis and beat up just for being different.
My classmates handled my coming out better than I did. The majority of them didn't treat me any differently and never really cared that I was gay. At 17, with my inexperience and immaturity, it felt like they should have, but now I can clearly see that they treated me the way that all gay people should be treated... just like everyone else.
I owe an apology to a large majority of Southport High School's Class of 2009. You accepted me when I didn't accept myself, yet I wanted so badly to play the victim, that I deliberately pushed you all away when I should have been embracing the time we had left together. I know that I wasn't close to many of you and that our interactions may have been limited, but chances are, I probably still thought some terrible things about you that you didn't deserve. I am truly sorry for everything and I hope that, if our paths cross again in the future, we might be able to be friends.
Big Love,
Aaron x
I was as usual just going back and forth between facebook and trying to do this online course when I stumbled upon your Blog and I was curious as what you had to write about...
ReplyDeleteTaken that I went to high school with you but I did not graduate with you since I moved back to Mexico this Post was kind nostalgic, anything related to old friends always makes me feel a tad bit melancholic. I wish I would have been there when you came out and although I wouldn't have thrown a party or anything I think I would have acted just the same way as before. I have learned to know that people should not be judged by "whom they like". We think that everybody is talking about us or have an opinion as to what we are doing, when in fact they could care less what we do. Everybody has their own world, their own stuff to figure out. college changes people. We experience. We grow. We become our own heroes.
I know that when I was 17, I expected someone to come "save me." I was hopeful that my "prince in shinning armour" would come and save me from whatever problem I seemed to blow out of proportion. As life gives us many lessons, we learn that ultimately no one will come save us but ourselves. No one can pull you out of the hole you dug yourself into, and no one will accept you more than yourself.
I liked your Post very much!
Daniela Sánchez
Aaron, this is so brave.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Kristine